Monday, September 22, 2014

Love Buzz - Why Do We Hurt The One We Love

(This originally appeared in the July 26th, 2011 edition of the Century City News)

By Anita De Francesco, MA
Relationship Specialist
I generally don’t hurt anyone I love or anyone I don’t love. I don’t hurt human beings but rather I honor them, love them, show compassion and empathy as often as I can. This tells me my heart is working and is being exercised in the most stimulating way I know. I am writing this because I have been hurt so much with love and I often wonder why they love me and then they don’t. I feel that we are put into relationships to learn how to love ourselves even more and so the hate weighs out the love of the person we channeled it to and possibly this is why we go on to hate a former lover just so to get the love back to ourselves. It does make sense to me because to love someone deeply we must first love ourselves and take the love from the heart source and share it with another. We begin to be mean and hateful when it comes to breaking up in an effort to get the love of the self back. Why does it have to be this way? We lend out our love to mates and sometimes we don’t get back what we put out. We need to be more objective with romance because relationships these days are all about sharing the love with everybody and women have yet to learn to come to this maturity in accepting a man in this way.

Romantic relationships continually harness the sense of our self, propelling us to grow. Within every relationship there is growth that we must see. The big question today is why is it so difficult to stay together for a period of time and give each other the fulfillment that we deserve in the relationship. I think we have lost value of what a relationship means. These short half on end relationships are not even worthy anymore. Why get into them for six months to just get out of them which can take longer. It can get so tiring. It’s a wonder our world is so dysfunctional. Then there are those who get married and have that containment and have side affairs which end as well and promises, promises are made and people get hurt. Humans are hurting each other every day in many ways not only in relationships. But relationships are where it all begins and are suppose to teach us.
So just how can we heal the hurt pain? Relationships teach growth and each and every one is a stepping stone to improving yourself. But some stay victim and build defenses and just can’t seem to find the love of life after a bad romance. A study revealed that the mental health of men is more affected by the strains of romance than women. It also revealed that men benefit from support more than women. I believe this is true because men need the attention; they have baby needs that always need fulfillment and women go overboard in being the mommy the nurturer and so on. For women just simply having the relationship matters most whether it provides stress or support. Professor Robin W. Simon quoted in the New York Times; “even though there’s been so much social change in this area, women’s self-worth is still so much tied up with having a boyfriend. My feeling on that is in this day and age yes we should be because men have so many women on strings that just having a boyfriend is the American dream anymore and holding onto him. Look at the stars, Aniston, Madonna and Cher all have a challenge holding onto the relationship.
It seems as though women know how to do relationships and men still need to learn and this could explain the strains of hurt. Although it always looks and feels as though women hurt more and they probably do. I think that women show more emotion and manifest expressive behaviors a lot more than a man simply because they just wanted the relationship. We know it comes with strain and pain. Men learned to stay composed and in control but they have feelings to and they do hurt. They teach themselves to close off the heart because their sexual side comes first whereas women’s hearts are first. We need a little more harmony in these areas. Women tend to find creative outlets for emotional channeling than men and is probably why they look more emotionally stimulated. We want to see the feminine vulnerable spiritual side of a man. Men rely solely on a girlfriend for all the emotional needs. It’s a wonder us women are strong yet some becoming needy that really aren’t. Men actually put the pressure on a woman with their undiffused emotional self. Of course men are more in the moment when it comes to romance where women always look long term and probably so because of the reproductive clock thing. I will leave you with one thought here as Oscar Wilde said: “ each man kills the thing he loves”; however hurting one’s beloved is frequent. Since the beloved is a major source of happiness, this person is also a major threat to our happiness; more than anyone else, the beloved can ruin it. To me this says that on some level we are not deserving of the fulfillment that love brings.
Do you feel stuck and in a rut, depressed or anxious or overall sluggish? I practice Reichian, Gestalt, somatic movement, and counseling/bodywork integrative therapies which involves focused breathing to help stimulate the emotions thus re-patterning the nervous system. I help you to focus on the negative voices and thoughts that create the stress and to resolve those unwanted interruptions that get in the way of your life process. Those stiff armored muscles that block sensation and energy flow will eventually soften.
The rage sitting in the muscles will unfold allowing more feelings of pleasure, more creativeness, freeing blocked energies and sexual dysfunction. Modern society has forced the human character to live in unnatural ways holding back basic needs and instincts. This process of breathing deeply sends messages to the brain which is an effective way to release anger, to let go of baggage, and to feel more alive and trusting thus living in a higher self esteem.

Anita De Francesco, M.A.
www.tantrawisdom.com
info@tantrawisdom.com
310-210-1464

Michael Douglas Carlin is the director of the movies Luvicide and American Federale. Recently he completed a ten-year stint as the Publisher and Editor of the Century City News. Here his articles turned into three books: Rise a Knight, A Prescription for Peace, and Peaceful Protests.

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